Monday, November 2, 2020

things I saw in Idaho

 


a moose. a MOOSE!!! up way too close and way too personal.

a second moose. thankfully from a safe distance away.

a bald eagle doing a barrel roll (how sick is that?)

squirrels that were rather small compared to Virginia squirrels.

the Milky-Motherfuckin-Way!!!

so many stars.

lots of pine trees.

many junipers and sage brushes too! 

two mountain goats! they look like concerned and wise dogs that are a little disappointed in you.

spectacular sunsets.

a baby woodpecker!

1,000+ year old cedar trees (imagine how much they've seen).

Idaho is great. You should go. 

Saturday, July 18, 2020

Books in Translation: Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (Korea)

Translated by Jamie Chang
                            
Kim Jiyoung is a normal woman who lives a normal life in Seoul, except one day she starts acting like other people. Gut reaction would assume that she has a personality disorder, but once you read about her life you learn there's way more to her story.

This book is an interesting character study about modern day feminism in Korea. I like how Cho Nam-Joo shows how it's the little things, the passive aggressive aggressions at work and in daily life, that build up over time and just need an excuse to explode. At times the language felt a little dry which at first I attributed to the translation but the ending ties everything together nicely. And wow, what an ending! It will leave you frustrated but that's the point.  

Link to buy:
Bookshop.org
also check your local library! 

Friday, July 3, 2020

15 Best Books I Read in the First Half of 2020

how I'm tryna be

I'll be linking all books to Bookshop.org, where you can support independent bookshops and give me a few cents to buy more books if you purchase through one of my lists. REMEMBER: no buying books from Amazon

So far in 2020 I have read 50 books (some physical, some ebooks, some audiobooks...reading is reading!) and here are my favorites. Making this list made me realize how many great books I've read so far this year! You should read them too, then shoot me an email or message on Goodreads to tell me what you think or recommend similar books. 

1. The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander 
    READ IF YOU: live in America/care about America

2. Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo 
    READ IF YOU: haven't read a smart and good book in a while

3. If I Had Your Face by Frances Cha 
    READ IF YOU: imagine Gossip Girl but set in Seoul and dealing with more important issues

4. Sheets by Brenna Thummler 
    READ IF YOU: need help dealing with grief and also like the color pink

5. All Grown Up by Jami Attenberg 
    READ IF YOU: are or have been a self-absorbed person at any point in time

6. Human Acts by Han Kang 
    READ IF YOU: have never heard of the Gwangju Massacre in South Korea

7. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott 
    READ IF YOU: want to have some soft feelings

    READ IF YOU: want to be a cowboy and/or have sex with one

    READ IF YOU: need a role model to gentely tell you things you need to hear

10. How to Date Men When You Hate Men by Blythe Robertson 
    READ IF YOU: hate the patriarchy but still want a boyfriend while hating yourself for wanting a boyfriend

11. You Think It, I'll Say It by Curtis Sittenfeld 
    READ IF YOU: need to feel called out for things you probably didn't do but what if you did?

12. Middlesex by Jeffery Eugenides 
    READ IF YOU: haven't read a generational story in awhile or want a more literary version of Flowers in the Attic

13. Tangerine by Christine Mangan 
    READ IF YOU: want The Talented Mr. Ripley with a dash of The Bell Jar

14. Because of Winn-Dixie by Kate DiCamillo 
    READ IF YOU: haven't re-read this classic in the last five years

15. Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer 
    READ IF YOU: want to feel anxious, angry, and in awe

Happy reading! 


Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Books in Translation: Breasts and Eggs by Mieko Kawakami (Japan)


Translated by David Boyd and Sam Bett

Once I committed to read at least one translated book a month in 2020 (and hopefully the rest of my life), I then had the fun task of researching which books I want to read next. I requested and got approved for many 2020 releases from NetGalley, so I'm excited to share my reviews with you all. Hopefully Books in Translation becomes a series here on Vitae Victoria!


Breasts and Eggs follows two sisters and the elder sister's daughter. The present day timelines takes place in Tokyo, whereas flashbacks of the sisters growing up take you back to Osaka.

I started reading this book when I was in Osaka for the first time, in Japan for the first time, and I'm so glad I did. Little details in this book opened my eyes to details I would've missed while traveling. Hostess bars, cultural mindsets, and struggles of a socioeconomic group that I never would've come into contact with as a tourist.

I definitely enjoyed the second half of the book over the first. Both halves of the book deal with interesting themes of motherhood and growing up, but the second half explores the complicated process of choosing single motherhood and in-vitro fertilization. The main character reminds me a bit of the protagonist in Convenience Store Woman, another popular book from Japan, because they're both a little different and decide to live their lives on their own terms, despite what society thinks. (Aside from that the books are very different, please don't compare these books further, they're both great in their own way!)

I look forward to reading more of Kawakami and hope more of her works are translated into English soon!

Links to buy:
Bookshop.org
Fountain Bookstore
Indiebound
also check your local library!

Thursday, April 23, 2020

Kissing Oscar Wilde's Tomb


Instead of going with my friends to the Louvre, I decided to take a long, long walk in the Paris springtime to the Pére Lachaise Cemetery to meet some famous dead people and do some tomb kissing. 

shaded walk in the maze-like cemetery
It's a cheeky thing to do, kissing the grave of a dead person, but I think Wilde would have loved it.

Photo credit

Look how beautiful it is! Sadly, removing the lipstick and graffiti slowly wears away at the stone, so in 2011 they erected a glass barrier to keep the smoochers off. Although it doesn't feel as fun or romantic, people still kiss the glass to keep the tradition alive.


My reflection with a lipstick mark. It's been exactly 3 years since I took this photo so I can't remember if the lips are mine or not. 



I arrived at the cemetery a little too close to closing time so I wasn't able to see all of the people I wanted to visit. (Gertrude Stein is hard to find.) If you go, go early because the cemetery is HUGE and beautiful. I recommend taking a book and some snacks so you have plenty of energy to interact with all the spirits of great artists around you. 


Tuesday, April 21, 2020

I Was Wrong About Paris


I copied the poem "Paris in the Rain" by Alysia Harris into my journal with some ticket stubs. You should watch her performance of the poem, it's amazing.


Many people will disagree but this is a hill I'm willing to die on: France is the America of Europe. There, I said it. If you're French you'll probably be annoyed by that comparison but don't take it personally; I don't take it personally when people shit on America. It's fine, you'll live.

Anyways, the French are the Americans are Europe. (These are all generalizations I AM AWARE. No country is just one thing.) They think they're the best, they probably don't like foreigners messing up their nice stroll in the park to stop and take a picture, if you're in France you BETTER speak French or you're uneducated scum. Do any of these attitudes ring familiar?



I am aware that Americans have a bad reputation abroad, especially in France so I expected them to have the same animosity towards me. And many people were rude to me! I won't go into specifics but I promise you I was trying to be my normal polite self, using as much French as I could when required. But I didn't give a shit about how rude the native French people were because Paris was just too damn beautiful!

(Jk I will go into specifics about a funny incident. I was walking and passed by a cute dog so I said hello to the dog like usual, and the dogs owner called me a "stupid American" in French! Like damn, I just want to greet your dog. I hope that dog is doing okay with their bitter owner.)


Just look at this building!


Look at this place! Someone with a better memory than me will know what this cathedral is called, but all I know is that it's beautiful (and older than my country).


The Catacombs! We waited in line forever to get inside (underneath?) and it was 100% worth it. Definitely pay extra for the audio tour so you can actually learn stuff instead of looking at piles of skulls the whole time.


Hello sir!



I hadn't seen Moulin Rouge at this point (was forced to watch it later that summer in Slovakia) but I followed along with my friends. I took a picture of them in front of it and accidentally stepped on a grate, blowing up my dress for everyone to see, Marilyn Monroe style but less graceful. 


I ended up enjoying my time to the fullest, eating a baguette and drinking very cheap champagne in front of this great beauty. 






Thursday, April 16, 2020

Alone in London

Everyone Welcome

Aside from the places I've lived, London is my Most Visited City. On my most recent visit I was only supposed to have a short layover but the airline I was booked on went BANKRUPT, if you can believe it. The universe gave me a few more days in Europe and I was grateful to experience London in the fall for the first time. I stayed on the couch of a friend I met briefly the previous June in Slovakia and hung out with another friend that I met in Bosnia and Herzegovina in July. Life has a way of working itself out. 

London also happens to be the first place I wandered around on my own. 

can you BELIEVE
I bought tickets for the Harry Potter play a year and a half before it came out, when I wasn't even sure if I was studying abroad in Britain. The tickets went so quickly and I knew this was my only chance to buy them, so I figured I'd cough up the ticket refund fee if I couldn't go. 

cheap nosebleed seats but it was still amazing

The plot sucked but the production level was amazing. I'm sure anything on West End is fantastic simply because of the money and effort put into each performance.


I do love London. I wish the food and cafes were cheaper, but aside from that it's a great city for someone on a budget. SO many museums, £5 standing tickets at the Globe Theatre, and bus fare maxes out at £4.50 so it's way cheaper than taking the underground. On a sunny day I spent a lot of time on a bench in this park near the Thames, just because I could and it was free. 
 

Have you been to London? I feel like people have pretty polarizing feelings about it, so do you hate it or love it?

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

3rd Times the Charm (Scotland Edition)


first time seeing Edinburgh Castle

I have been to Scotland three times in my life. The first time when I was 18 and a senior in high school. We took a picture with a big rock at the Scottish/English border then went to Edinburgh for one night and I took a picture with that little dog statue.

sunset over the University of Glasgow


The second time I was 21, a junior in college, and on any given day I swung from mildy depressed yet functional to couldn't-get-out-of-bed severely depressed. The daylight situation during winter in Scotland is NOT an enriching environment for those who have a fickle relationship with serotonin. The sun rose around 9am and sank again a little after 3pm and I learned that I can never go that far north during the winter ever again. It's soul crushing. It was hard to make close friends and the friendships that I did have were fickle (and I just realized I used fickle twice in one paragraph but don't feel like changing it- that's how being 21 is: fickle fickle fickle). It was a blur of a semester and I was happy for it to end so I could be free to roam Europe how I pleased.

the station was so tiny I had to wave the train down or it wouldn't stop here

The third time I was 22 and almost three months into my post-college eastern Europe trip. I made a "detour" to Scotland to meet up with two close friends that I made in Slovakia the summer before. We rented a car and drove around the North Coast 500 and hiked to bothys, abandoned sheepherder cabins that are communally upkept by those who visit. I then spent a week with different friends in their cozy house in the Highlands, doing nothing but drinking, reading, and relaxing after three months of hostels.

I like Scotland more and more each time I go, and have gone further north each time too. But Scotland isn't the one that's changed over my visits, it's me. The more I love myself the more capacity I have for loving other places. It's a good thing to realize.

Thursday, April 9, 2020

stuck in quarantine thoughts // the waiting game


As every 20-something is wont to do, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want to do with my life. As of this time last year I had a loose plan that I was satisfied with: teach in Korea for a second year, travel around southeast Asia for a bit, do a working visa in Australia and/or New Zealand. Pretty much figure things out as I go, but always having an idea of my "next" step.

But then we found out my uncle has a brain tumor, one that has a 14-month life expectancy from diagnosis, and I knew I had to come home. No more teaching, no more Korea, no more travels. Obviously being home is emotionally and financially exhausting, especially with all of this corona business, but I know it's where I need to be right now. When people ask how long I plan on staying home, I tell them I plan to go back to Korea in August or September. It gives me something to look forward to and it makes others feel more comfortable if I have a plan.

But if we're being real here, I probably won't be going back to Korea this fall. Others are more hopeful about my uncle's recovery, but from where I'm standing it looks like it'll be a slow and steady decline, and I'll be needed even more then. Of course I hope God is real and he's in the mood to work some miracles, but nothing is for certain and I can't be signing any year long contracts anytime soon.

spending time mainly in bed or on the front porch

Now let's move on to a lighter, more relatable topic: what the hell should I do with my life?

For a couple days in self-isolation I was seriously considering becoming a teacher. I would love to teach English literature and I love working with kids, but I also know that the burnout rate for that job is so high. Plus, I would have to stay in the US awhile to become a licensed teacher, and I don't want to do that for a job that I'm not sure about doing long-term.

Being a travel blogger sounds cool, but I know I don't have the self-motivation or the ego for that. I want to talk about my FEELINGS, not boring stuff like "How to Spend 24 Hours in Busan". Anything that would be described as "content" is mindnumbingly boring to actually write. Also, I feel like a huge dumbass every time I post on here. The only thing more embarrassing than having a blog is having a blog that no one reads.

I love reading, but who's going to pay me to read all day?

I thought about the Peace Corps, but the thought of spending two years of my twenties in a super isolated community for a resume booster in a field I'm not even sure I want to pursue is probably not the best idea. Plus, with these family health issues I don't think I can be away for 27 months with no simple way of coming back.

I want to write novels, but I know that that isn't a stable or guaranteed job, so that needs to be something I do on the side. I'm close to finishing Draft 1 of a promising story, so hopefully I finish that during this sedentary time.

I don't want to go to grad school anytime soon. The thought of spending all that money and two years in one place makes me physically recoil.

trying to take cute photos on my first weekend in Jinju, March 2019

Things I DO know for sure: I want to keep traveling and living in different countries. I don't want to start a career anytime soon, because that would impede on my flexibility to travel. I want to write, but I don't have enough life experiences yet. Or I do, but I know I need to live way more life.

So what WILL I do with all my time in quarantine and while I'm home for the foreseeable future? I'm going to read a lot and try to finish writing a draft of this novel. I also realized I haven't really written about my ACTUAL travels, so maybe I'll go through my photos and post little snippets, quit bitching on this blog and actually post about travel. Yeah, I'll do that. 


Sunday, March 22, 2020

I'm more worried about COVID-19 in the US than when I was in Korea


I was in Korea when the coronavirus outbreak first happened in China. It felt very distant and I wasn't worried. A few people had the virus in Seoul, but everything was under control at first. Then Patient 31 infected over a thousand people at their church in Daegu, an hour and a half from my city, and the virus got a little bit closer.

Even though the massive spike was very concerning, the government cracked down and managed to get the spread under control. The population of Korea did a good job too at handling the situation. Hand sanitizer on every bus and in every restaurant and everyone wears masks. When there was a hoarding problem with masks, they implemented a system based off your birth year for when and how many masks you could buy. Everyone took it very seriously and I felt safe.

I thought I would feel more relaxed at home, but the anxiety is worse here. People aren't listening, the government isn't leading. My grandparents are old and my uncle just finished a round of chemo, one strong wind and they're all knocked down.

If a country doesn't have good healthcare, what do they even have? How can you claim to care for your people if your people are dying? To my very core I am an American, but the more I spend time in other countries the more I realize that America doesn't care for me as much as I care for her.

Korea isn't perfect, but I felt safer there than I do here. I hope I have the power to make America a safer place for everyone someday.

Thursday, March 19, 2020

Consume This #11 (Quarantine Edition)



It's been a while since I posted one of these! I figured that since I'm self-quarantined for the next 14 days (3 down, 11 to go!), now would be a good time to share articles that I've been reading. By the end of self-quarantine Day 1 I was already bored out of my mind, so hopefully this list will help you out and keep you entertained, at least for an hour or two.

R E A D I N G

how much can you really pay for quality?
this short story called Anne Boleyn Could Drink You Under the Table by Jules Archer
about audiobooks and snobbery and time
It Only Took 7 Social Media Platforms for Us to Fall in Love
this profile of Robert Pattinson is my favorite and I still love him
How to Make a Life From Scratch, a refugee story
have a little Rebecca Solnit as a treat
love this piece from Current Affairs about nation-states and borders
the Rules of dating and the painful ordeal of being known
How to Live on $36,000 a Year by F. Scott Fitzgerald (wow he really is a good writer, I should read more of his nonfiction)
the Catholic church should abolish the priesthood (can't argue with that!)
a fascinating story about the AIDS epidemic

W A T C H I N G  &  L I S T E N I N G

Daniel Sloss' Netflix specials (he's now in my top 3 with John Mulaney and Ali Wong)
Niall Horan's new album Heartbreak Weather

____________________________________________________

And with that, I have no more tabs open on my phone! I checked the dates and I opened some of them two freaking years ago. Can't believe it took a damn pandemic to get me to read half these articles.

I hope you all are going well. Godspeed everyone. 

Monday, March 16, 2020

playlists for the heartsick


I can't tell if I'm jetlagged or if waking up after exactly 6 hours of sleep is my new normal. Probably both.

Either way, I woke up at 4am and scrolled on my phone for an hour and a half, so now it's time to put my wired brain toward something a little more useful. Like a blog post only 10 people will read. Let's get it.

quote from a movie I watched on the plane home

Spotify playlists. I make a new one for every "era" of my life: one for each year of college, a new one for each big backpacking trip, one for all of my time in Korea, etc. But sometimes I notice a theme within these playlists, influenced by a strong emotion, and I am compelled to create an offshoot playlist.

So far I have two heartsick playlists, inspired by unrequited love (the only kind I know tbh). One is perfect for staring out a train window in Europe and feeling sorry for yourself (which is exactly what I did), and the other is great for getting deep into your emotions while still bopping around and doing the dishes.

I can't figure out how to embed playlists on this blog so I'll just link you to them. Have fun, have feelings.

I can't find a picture of the lyrics I love, so you'll just have to listen to Don't Delete the Kisses and wait for the gut punch

Playlist 1: T E R R I B L E   L O V E

Influences: Slovakia, train rides, Call Me By Your Name, crying on public transport but for different reasons, lots of The National

terrible love / the national 
sorrow / the national
england / the national
too much to ask / niall horan
tell me you love me / demi lovato
emotion / carly rae jepsen
want you back / haim
falling / haim
I wanna dance with somebody / whitney houston
the cure / lady gaga
fast car / tracy chapman
sleeping sickness / city and colour 
closer / tegan and sara
fools / troye sivan
what's love got to do with it / tina turner
boys / charlie xcx
ooh love / ria mae
futile devices / sufjan stevens

this scene murdered me


Playlist 2: heaven help me

Influences: Korea, when your heart hurts but you know you're still a bad bitch, yearning for love in general, that scene in Little Women where Jo says "I'm so lonely"
heaven help me / lizzo
all I wanna do / jay park, hoody, loco
stupid love / lady gaga
say it / maggie rogers
see you again / tyler the creator, kali uchis
adore you / harry styles
I think he knows / taylor swift
the archer / taylor swift
i'm so tired... / lauv, troye sivan
so hot you're hurting my feelings / caroline polachek
now I'm in it / haim
too much / carly rae jepsen
moderation / florence + the machine
love you for a long time / maggie rogers
someone's someone / monsta x
boyfriend / ariana grande, social house
does she / yuna, jay park
don't delete the kisses / wolf alice 
end game / taylor swift, ed sheeran, future
heartbreak weather / niall horan
put a little love on me / niall horan
no judgement / niall horan 

If you can't tell, Niall Horan just released a new album and it's full of bops. Happy listening and remember: the only way out is through. 



Wednesday, March 11, 2020

Last Day in Korea


Today is my last full day in Korea and I feel like I have indigestion. My lungs feel tight and every few breaths I feel a sharp pang. All I've had to eat so far today is a bowl of bibimbap and a convenience store coffee, nothing out of the usual and nothing that should make my body react like this.

But sometimes your body knows your emotions before your mind has time to register. I wasn't feeling particularly stressed or sad about leaving, but I'm also not trying to think about it too hard because then I will start crying. And crying gives me a headache and the last thing I want is a throbbing head before I get on a 13 hour flight (and then a 6 hour flight, and then a 1 hour flight...the world is too large).

Even though I've been chilling unemployed in Jinju for the past week, I think my body needs time to rest in my own space (trying to be a good house guest is exhausting). I'll be on self-quarantine for two weeks when I return, so I'll have time to sleep and not drink alcohol and exercise and blend some smoothies and read lots.

I'm not excited to go home (no real job, a dying uncle, the family repercussions that go along with that) but it will be nice to have my own space again. I'll have my bookshelves and my skincare and comfy flannel sheets and a dog to pet. Maybe my chest will stop hurting then.

Thursday, February 20, 2020

Naked in a Korean Spa


korean spa, naked, jjimjilbang, spaland


I'm pretty sure I haven't been naked in a room full of people since I was a baby and didn't know the concept of nudity.

I was super nervous to visit SpaLand in Busan with my friend Gabby, but going to a jjimjilbang is a necessary Korean experience so I knew I had to go before I leave.

I haven't looked into going to a jjimjilbang in Jinju because I know my students go with their friends or moms on the weekends and having a student see me naked is NOT an experience I would like to have. I've done plenty of embarrassing things in my life, but I don't think I would be able to recover from that.

SpaLand is a bit pricier than the average jjimjilbang and has a 4 hour time limit, but it's the "famous" one and a good journey from Jinju, so I knew my chances of running into a student were low.

if you need help with body acceptance, this book is a good place to start
The awkwardness of being naked with your friend surrounded by other naked ladies wore off after a few minutes. We walked into the women-only bathing area, tiny towels covering our chests, and washed off before we got into one of the warm salt pools.

I'm sure some people were looking at me because I'm a blonde-ish, big chested foreigner with a couple tattoos, but I didn't notice. SpaLand is used to foreigners visiting so I wasn't an anomaly. People just casually look at each other and it didn't feel weird!

I saw big titties, small titties, old lady saggy titties, stretch marks, scars, skin discoloration, huge bushes, no bushes, tramp stamps (on a Korean woman!), and everything in between.

Korean women are usually always very put together - perfect hair and makeup and clothes. My girl students have complained to me that they don't want to date a Korean guy because they expect all girls to look and act the same way, and if you don't act the "proper" way they will just dump you and find a girl that does (the patriarchy is a curse everywhere). Being in a bathhouse surrounded by naked women made me realize (again) that it really is the male gaze that ruins our freedom, makes us self-conscious and ashamed.

(Necessary disclaimer: this is not MEN'S fault but the patriarchy, a very important distinction that guys like to ignore so they can get self-righteous and ignore what women have to say. It's dumb that I even feel the need to do a disclaimer because only 10 people read this blog and I bet you they're all women. That is all. Carry on.)

I know I can't change the past, but I can't believe it took me almost a full 12 months to go to a jjimjilbang! I wish I had gone sooner and way more often.

If you're ever in Korea, definitely go to one, especially if you're nervous about the nudity. You will feel like an animal at a watering hole, but in the best way possible.

Saturday, February 8, 2020

2020 Reading

book on white background with coffee


Will update this post throughout 2020! These are not ALL the books I've read in 2020, just the ones that fulfill my bare-minimum reading goals for the year.

To find everything I read, follow me on Goodreads.

January

  1. Translated: Human Acts by Han Kang (Korea)
  2. Unread Shelf: Edinburgh by Alexander Chee
  3. Library: Save Me the Plums by Ruth Reichl
  4. Audiobook: The Last Tudor by Philippa Gregory

February

  1. Translated: b, Book, and Me by Kim Sagwa (Korea)
  2. Unread Shelf: Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer
  3. Library: In at the Deep End by Kate Davies
  4. Audiobook: You by Caroline Kepnes

March

  1. Translated: Breasts and Eggs by Mieko Kawakami (Japan)
  2. Unread Shelf: Lunch in Paris by Elizabeth Bard
  3. Library: 
  4. Audiobook: Women's Work by Megan K. Stack

April

  1. Translated: 
  2. Unread Shelf: 
  3. Library:
  4. Audiobook: 

May

  1. Translated: 
  2. Unread Shelf: 
  3. Library:
  4. Audiobook: 

June

  1. Translated: 
  2. Unread Shelf: 
  3. Library:
  4. Audiobook: 

July

  1. Translated: 
  2. Unread Shelf: 
  3. Library:
  4. Audiobook: 

August

  1. Translated: 
  2. Unread Shelf: 
  3. Library:
  4. Audiobook: 

September

  1. Translated: 
  2. Unread Shelf: 
  3. Library:
  4. Audiobook: 

October

  1. Translated: 
  2. Unread Shelf: 
  3. Library:
  4. Audiobook: 

November

  1. Translated: 
  2. Unread Shelf: 
  3. Library:
  4. Audiobook: 

December

  1. Translated: 
  2. Unread Shelf: 
  3. Library:
  4. Audiobook: 

Friday, February 7, 2020

No Longer a Teacher

Victoria sits in chair in front of a pink wall on a rooftop cafe in Jinju, South Korea
pink cafe in Jinju, Korea
My babies (aka 16 year old teenagers) graduated yesterday. None of the blogs prepared me for this, for falling in love with 518 students and then having your heartbroken 518 times when you have to say goodbye. 

I KNOW I'll miss them more than they miss me, since they've had foreign English teachers before and will have many more in the future. But these were my first kids and I am grateful for every single one of them. 

They'll grow up to do great things and I hope I made English as fun and welcoming as possible. 

Brb need to go before I start crying in the office again. 

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

I'm Leaving Korea

Korean traditional building with blue sky

I'm leaving Korea, a fact that I should probably have led with instead of writing about my feelings.

I had every intention to stay a second year, to move schools to work at a kindergarten and work with my friend and fall in love with adorable Korean children. That was how my 2020 was supposed to play out.

At the end of December we found out my uncle has brain cancer. It's not one of those "Get Well Soon!" and "Stay Strong! You Can Do This!" tumors. It's a matter of time tumor.

No one's forcing me to come home, but I know where I'm needed. Korea loves me but Korea doesn't need me. I COULD stay, but I know myself. I'd be a worried wreck and crying all the time and feeling sorry for myself on top of feeling sorry for my family.

I like being useful so I must go home.

I'm sure I'll come back to Korea someday, whether as soon as this fall or 50 years from now when I've forgotten everything except annyeonghasaeyo.

So this post is sad, but also a reminder to live your goddamn life. You could do everything the way you're supposed to do and still get brain cancer at 42 so you might as do whatever you want while you can.

I have no idea if I'm going to write on this blog when I'm home. I hate writing for my travel (slash book slash feelings slash whatever) blog when I'm in America. I have lots of stories and lots of pictures to share from my time in Korea though, so I'll probably retroactively post, the way I do with my Instagram. Never post anything in real time, baby!

I have a few travel plans in the works (Jeju Island, Japan, maybe Vietnam) before I return to the motherland. My life isn't stopping or pausing just because I'll be home, a fact I've had to remind myself of a few times. This is my life, this is happening. I can't believe this is happening. This shouldn't be happening.

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Writing is Hard

laptop with lots of stickers on a wooden table

Writing is hard.

I never know how to begin or end. Most times I don't even know what to put in the middle. I just have a feeling or a vibe that I try to get across with black marks on a computer screen and then out in the world for six people to read (I have no idea who you people are, all I know is that I consistently get a minimum of 6 views on whatever I post here). It's hard to get yourself from A to B when A and B are just hazy, abstract ideas and not actually defined locations on a map.

It's easy for me to be confident when others are anxious, but the second I sit at a computer and I'm truly alone with my own brain and own words and no one to entertain, I have no idea what to do with myself.

I wrote back in August that I don't think I'm a writer. Then I proceeded to write 50,004 words of a novel in November for NaNoWriMo. It's almost as if I need to lie to myself then prove myself wrong, trick myself into doing things that seem hard.

I know I need to get words down and send them out into the world, but I always get stuck at how. How do I summon the words, the purpose, the meaning. I read so many words by great writers that always leave me thinking: how the heck am I supposed to live up to that? It's time to give up, throw in the shovel and pick up the plow, start a vegetable garden. I really like cauliflower and squash. Produce something nourishing and useful for me and others.

I guess I'm looking for a calling, for someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do with my life. Maybe if I keep writing, I will eventually be able to tell myself.

I guess the only way out really is through. It be that way sometimes.

Friday, January 24, 2020

2020 Reading Plan

stack of books on top of a journal

I don't like strict goals or feel like I'm forcing myself to read certain books (although I do like the Reading Women Challenge and may use it for inspiration). The fact that people have TBR (To Be Read) lists and plan out what they read for an ENTIRE YEAR! blows my mind.

HOWEVER, I do like to have goals. Not far-reaching goals; these are things I'm sure I can easily complete. I think of these goals as "bare minimum guidelines".

Each month in 2020, I will read:

1. 1 book from my home bookshelf
2. 1 translated work. In the same way you're missing out if you only listen to English songs, you're missing out if you only read English and Western-centered literature. My focus will be on authors from South Korea because of course.
3. 1 book from the library. I love supporting the library! Use it or lose it!
4. 1 audiobook. I get all my audiobooks from my library through the Libby app, so it's all free! (Also fuck Audible.)

I like this plan because it gives me guidance without feeling structured. I mainly read women anyways, but having a translation rule will make me read more diversely. Just look at these books from Korea that will be released in English in 2020, they all sound metal as fuck.

What do you want to read in 2020?