Wednesday, December 11, 2019

crappy attention span


Regent's Park, London

I'm reading How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy and I've barely made it past the introduction but I already have so many thoughts. Thoughts I've had for a long time and they're still very jumbled but I think jumbled is good sometimes. All I know is that I have a shit attention span (and so do many people, I know I'm not alone) and it bugs me.

Here are my Attention Observations.

I finished all 50k words of NaNoWriMo, but I was lucky if I could write for 10 minutes at a time. That novel was the conglomerate of 5 minute chunks spread out over a day spread out over a month.

I work 40 hours a week but spend at least 8-10 hours of my free time at home working online, just because I want more money. I don't need more money at the moment, but I know future-me will appreciate it. I hate that.

Listening to music or podcasts or audiobooks on the walk to school, on the bus, in the elevator, while cleaning, in the shower, doing my skincare at night.

Switching between Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and oh yeah I forgot I had Tumblr on my phone, for HOURS a day. We all spend way more time on apps than we realize.

Going on Instagram or Twitter the moment I wake up.

Setting a timer and reading for 7 minute chunks at a time, because it's hard to do more.

Watching YouTube while eating.

Always always always pulling tugging biting at my nails.

Thinking about how I can monetize my spare time and interests.

I'm like my own inattentive parent, constantly shoving television or a new toy in front of my face because oh no the baby can't be bored for even one moment or she'll cry! 

So what? Let the baby cry. I want to be bored. I want focused boredom. I just want to focus on what actually brings me joy.

Will report back once I figure it out.

Tuesday, December 3, 2019

goals before 2019 ends

coffee cup


I can't remember my 2019 new year's resolution and at this point I don't care.

BUT! I'm going to end 2019 with a small bang! I know no one cares about other people's goals (lol) and no one reads this blog anyways, but I need to put this in writing so I feel accountable to myself.

All of my hobbies suffered during NaNoWriMo so I need to hop back on the horse and remember what it feels like to be a well-rounded human being.

SO HERE YA GO! GOALS!


  • Read 70 books. My yearly goal is 50 but I'm at 65 right now and it'd be satisfying to hit the next number level.
  • Finish My First 500 Korean Words. THEORETICALLY this book should take 50 days and I'm halfway through and it's taken me so much longer. I need to finish this damn vocab book! So I can move on and study more Korean! Speaking of studying Korean...
  • Find a Korean tutor on Italki. I've lived here 10 months but my Korean progress is moving painfully slow. I know I need to invest money in it to hold myself accountable. I'm going to try the trial classes of a few teachers and then commit to one or two so I can take regular classes in 2020.

And that's that! I hope you end 2019 doing what you love. :)

Sunday, December 1, 2019

attempting #NaNoWriMo for the millionth time

laptop and notebook on a sunny desk


NaNoWriMo is the easy way of saying "National Novel Writing Month". The goal is to write 50,000 words of a brand new story during the month of November, about 1,667 words a day. The general consensus is that at 50,000 words a book turns from a novella into a novel, even though most traditionally published fiction books hover around 80,000 words. 

I've attempted NaNoWriMo every year for the past nine years (since freshman year of high school!) with varying degrees of commitment and a 100% failure rate. 

In 2011, I wrote 20k words of a horrible cheesy Prince/commoner romance, obviously influenced by the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. 

In 2016, I wrote 30k words of a murder mystery campus novel set in Scotland (a place I wouldn't even visit until the year after). My pace started off strong but the post-election depression hit me HARD and I lost all interest in life aside from Parks & Rec reruns. 

Last year, in 2018, I gave up after 6,000 words. 

I never expected to actually complete NaNoWriMo. It was always one of those lofty goals that sounds nice to achieve but I didn't think I had the discipline or talent.

But guess fucking what? I actually did it this year. The first 30k flew by joyfully. I ended each day feeling satisfied and proud of myself. But my motivation jumped off a cliff once I hit word #30,001. 

I dragged myself through the last 20k, bitching and moaning the entire way. 

There are plenty of "shortcuts" people take to stretch out their word count, but I didn't want to write complete shit knowing I'd have to just edit it later. I can honestly say that I'm proud of all 50,004 words. They need HEAVY editing, but I'm glad I finally have something to edit. 


Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Completing 24 Years

jinju lantern festival with friends south korea

I like how they count age in Korea. You are 1 year old the day you are born, which makes sense. You are starting your first year of life. With Western age, we only count a year as "lived" once all 365 days have passed. I'm turning 24 tomorrow, which means I have successfully completed 24 years of life on Earth and am working my way towards 25. 

I think from now on, my birthday blog posts will be written from a place of accomplishment. I completed another year! I made it! I'm still here! I mean all of that in the least morbid way possible. The fact that nothing truly bad happened to me last year? Amazing.

The gratefulness I feel for my life is overwhelming sometimes. Everything I'm about to say will sound so corny, but it's all 100% genuine.

I truly didn't know my heart could handle this much love. I love my family. My friends. All 519 of my students. All the countries I've lived in and visited. I'm one of the luckiest people in the world.

I'm meeting up with my friends tonight for my birthday (tomorrow, my actual birthday, is a national holiday. God bless Korea) and these are some A+ people. I know I trust way too easily but I think I'm a pretty good judge of character and I know for a fact I want these people in my life for the rest of my life. They're truly, genuinely GOOD. And so funny my abs and cheeks often hurt from hanging out with them. It's hard to believe that at this time last year, I didn't know any of these people existed. 

Life is so, so good right now. I never thought I'd enjoy getting older, but I'm very excited to be 24 and to live another year. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Ideal Future


Front porch.

Dog.

Book.

Coffee.

What country am I in? Don't know.

What's my occupation? No idea.

How much money do I have? Enough to afford a dog, book, coffee, and a front porch. 

Friday, August 16, 2019

6 Months Living in Korea


been to a lot of temples


It's hard to believe that I left the United States six months ago! Six months isn't my longest time abroad (that's eight months), but six months is the longest time I've spent in any place that isn't America. 

Ranking of places I've spent the most time:
1. USA (21 years)
2. Korea (6 months)
3. Scotland (5 months)
4. Slovakia (2 months)

And all the other countries I've spent anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks.

So how am I dealing? How does it feel? 

Well, when I was in Taiwan for a week I was EXCITED to get back to Korea. To be in my apartment and my own bed and to see my friends and have the schedule of going to work and seeing my students. 

I'm not really homesick. Of course, I miss my family and I really should call them more often, but I use that guilt to send them postcards fairly often. People LOVE postcards. If you're reading this you should go send someone a letter. Bonus points if it's to a different country. 

I'm sure I'll get homesick around the holidays. I've spent three 4th of July's away from home but I've never missed a Thanksgiving or Christmas, so I'm sure that'll suck emotionally. 

6 months. Still going strong. Cheers to 6 months more. Time truly does pass too quickly. 


Thursday, August 15, 2019

Independence Day: Cherry Blossoms and Colonialism in Korea



I wrote this back in April but never published it, so here ya go! I added a little more and revised it for August 15th, Korea's independence day.

cherry blossoms behind my school

My favorite thing about traveling is the opportunity to learn about history where it happened. The more I travel the more I realize that this world is filled with billions and billions of stories. I will never have the time to learn about every facet of every place and that saddens me, but it also gives me the drive to learn as much as I can when I have the chance to do so.

I knew next to nothing about Korean history before I came. The American public school system does Korea, and all of Asia, so dirty. I know that the US was involved in a war here and I know a little about the drama with North Korea and nuclear proliferation, but that's it. Let me share with you one interesting fact I've learned since being here.



April is National Poetry Month, so I've been writing a poem a day. And yes, they are all shit. However, one of my shitty poems led me down a path of historical knowledge. I decided to write about the cherry blossoms since they line my walk to school and are blooming EVERYWHERE, so I brought up their Wikipedia page just to learn a little bit more.

"The origins of cherry blossoms in South Korea is contentious. The Japanese planted Yoshino cherry trees at Seoul's Changgyeonggung Palace and the viewing of cherry blossoms was introduced to Korea during Japanese rule.[51] The festivals continued even after the Japanese surrendered at the end of WWII but have been controversial, and many cherry trees were cut down to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of the Japanese surrender because they were seen as symbols of the occupation."

Who knew that cherry blossoms could be a symbol of colonialism? Now we know!



Traveling as a white monolingual American has forced me to think long and hard about colonialism and globalism and the exchange of cultures. How people with my skin color have done terrible things to others. How people who speak my sole language have forced that language upon others, to the point where I can travel to almost anywhere and get around just fine without learning the local language. (The English language is a WHOLE other post for some other time. I have so many thoughts about English. Language is such an intrinsic part of us and I don't think native English speakers spend enough time thinking about how LUCKY we are to be born into this language.) I think about how my American passport grants me access to so, so many countries and people and cultures that others are barred from ever experiencing just because we were born between different borders.

I'm very thankful to Korea for allowing me to live and work in their country. I have learned so much already. Not to undermine their history but to make it brief since I can't sum up a country's entire history in one blog post, but man Korea has had a shit time. Invasion and war and rape and oppression. Japan removed itself in 1945 and the Korean War ended in 1953. The progress this country has made in 66 years is outstanding. This country's history deserves a lot more attention from people on the outside (as does every country, but this is where I currently am so of course that's where my attention is focused) so I'll link a few books and articles below if you want to do further reading. This is a very short list of resources but don't worry, I'm working on an exhaustive list of Korean reading material. :)

Books:

Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea by Barbara Demick

Please Look After Mom by Kyung-Sook Shin

The Korean War by Max Hastings

Articles:

Korean Skin Care Secrets

Anton Hur's blog 

good English site for Korean news, about Korea from Korea

Friday, August 9, 2019

grateful + thankful + LUCKY


family photos on my fridge


I am extremely grateful for my life. I am very lucky. Of course, I've had some really shit times and I'm sure I'll have shit times again, but now I am thankfully much more mentally and emotionally capable of dealing with those shit times. Maybe it's maturity or maybe it's the SSRI's, but either way, I'm thankful for my life.

I have friends in almost every time zone. A family that will always be there for me if/when I need it. Seven library cards from different libraries that all sync with my Libby account so I'm never stranded without a book on my kindle or audiobook in my ears. A job that I love. Enough money to consistently have tasty food. Enough money to travel. A nice boy texting me. Air conditioning. An American passport.
I hate it when travel bloggers say shit like "I'm not lucky! I worked hard to get here!" Like I'm sure you did boo. We've all worked hard, you ain't special.

I typed and erased so many metaphors about life and luck and self-worth. Things about cookies crumbling. Silver spoons. Goats. Idk.

Lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky.

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

I Want to Get a Master's Degree (or three), but I Probably Won't



I love education. I love reading and learning and discussing what I've read and learned with people who are smarter than me.

Traveling is amazing for the sake of travel alone, but my main drive behind wanting to visit and live in other countries is so that I can learn history FROM the people it happened to IN the places it happened. I've gained a lot of knowledge that is helpful to my development as a person, but I can't really put that on a job application.

The other problem is that I don't just want one career. This world is so huge! There are so many things to love and learn! Imagine working in the SAME job your entire life.

I have three main interests right now and would love to study them in a formal setting, to give myself structure and guidance from those who know more than me.

1. Masters of Teaching, English Secondary Education. Working in Korea has shown me that I do have the potential to be a good teacher. I connect well with my students and I enjoy trying to craft lessons that will engage all of them. Imagine if I was actually teaching a subject I loved and enjoyed? (Not that I don't love teaching the English language, but there's only so much you can accomplish at this level.) If I get my teaching certification I can teach at any secondary school anywhere in the world, wherever there's a need. It would also be nice to have a backup for if/when I return to the United States. I remember the impact my high school English teacher had on me and I know I could be that person for others.
Length of program: 1 year. Cost of program: $20,000.

2. Masters in Postcolonial Cultural and Literature. Postcolonialism is a subset of literary studies that really struck me during my undergraduate degree, but I didn't have the chance to take any classes and dive deep. I think I've mentioned this somewhere here before, but I'm really into dissecting the power structures of literally every subject and situation. It's rather tiring and unnecessary in many situations, but it's perfect for analyzing the effects of colonialism and all of its fucked up layers of power.
Length of program: 1 year. Cost of program: $20,000.

3. Masters in Public Health. Concentration in women's health and reproductive rights on a global scale. If I had to choose only one it'd be this one. I can see a long career for myself in this field which is why I'm hesitant to actually research and apply to graduate schools. Once I start down this path I'll most likely keep going and won't have the freedom to fuck off to South America for a year or two. Length of program: 2 years. Cost of program: $40,000.

Total: 4 years of full-time education and at least $60,000. Ain't nobody got the time and money for all of that.


The problem is that I don't WANT to choose just one. I want to be well-rounded! I want to do many things in my life! I want my experiences to build on each other! I think that what I learn as a teacher in different countries can improve my focus in postcolonial literature and culture which can then give me the skills to be a more mindful and empathetic person in the global health sector. 

And it's not like I want to pursue these masters degrees because I'm scared of the "real world" (whatever the hell that means). I want to use my knowledge to be a contributing member of society and improve people's lives for the better! Who can fault me for that?

And in between all this, there's still the whole world left to see. South America, Central America, Southeast Asia, Oceania, Antartica, the Canadian prairies, most of America. Italy. Greece. Spend more time in the Balkans. Anywhere and everywhere I can get my hands on, really. 

And between all of THAT I would like to have kids someday. (I say "someday" as if I'm not a woman with a biological clock that's already halfway done ticking.) I want to spend as much time with my grandparents as possible. I want to be there for my cousins when they go through their teenage years. I have lots of books I need to read. Movies to see. People to talk to. Sunsets to look at and sunrises to sleep through. Mountains to climb. 

How can I do everything? I can't. And I won't. But goddammit if I'm not going to try. 

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

I Don't Think I'm a Writer

sunrise over Tongyeong, South Korea

I don't think I'm a writer. "Writer" has always been a part of my identity ever since I was a kid. I've planned countless novels and started writing a few, but have never finished a first draft. I've participated in two NaNoWriMo's (National Novel Writing Month) but didn't complete either. The furthest I got was 30k words on my second try. No, wait. I think I got to the 25 days mark my junior year of high school but gave up for some reason. I can't even remember but that's not the point.

The point is that I don't think I'm a writer. I'm definitely not a poet. I participated in National Poetry Writing Month in April and got about two weeks in before forgetting to continue. My poems are complete shit (this isn't me being self-deprecating; poetry is a SKILL that takes a lot of study and practice) but it was cathartic and it felt good producing words even when I knew they'd be shit. Not caring felt good.

I say I'm not a writer because I don't write often. Now there is a debate on whether you're a writer or not based on how often you actually write but we're not getting into that right now.  I actually really like the last two posts I've posted on here (which I won't link to because I'm L A Z Y!) and I do see myself improving as the years go by, which I'm proud of considering how rarely I actually produce anything.

But that's the thing. Writers produce. But I think I'm still in my consuming stage of life. Which is GOOD. I think our twenties especially are supposed to be about consuming. To not assume that I know anything about the world. To soak up and absorb every detail and experience I can. Who has the TIME to write, to retreat into my skull and pull out the bits that actually make sense, when I have so much living to do. So many people to talk to. So many places to see. So many books to read. God! There are so many books I want to read! (It saddens me to think that the human life span is not long enough to read all the books on my Goodreads to-read list.)

So I don't think I'm a writer, not yet anyway. I have a feeling I will be someday though, so I'm going to spend my time collecting as much material for her as I can. I hope she's more capable of making sense of all the complexities of human life than I am because man is it hard.

Godspeed, Future Writer Victoria, I wish you the best. Now it's time for me to go out and give you something to write about.

Thursday, July 4, 2019

3 Summers Gone // Happy Fourth


Jinju sunrise

It's 8:45am in Korea which means that it's still the 4th of July in the US. It didn't hit me until yesterday, but I realized that this is my third 4th of July away from America. 2017 I was in Croatia. 2018 I was in Slovakia. And 2019 I'm in Korea.

I haven't experienced a summer in America in three years. That sounds so crazy to me.

Saturday, May 25, 2019

Consume This #10


I haven't posted a 'Consume This' in FOREVER but I have so many open tabs on my computer AND phone (I checked and the oldest tab open on my phone is from April 2018, yikes) that I've been meaning to read so I figured I might as well share. I used to do a 'Consume This' round up every two weeks but I'm going to only curate them whenever I need to do a thorough digital purge. Onwards!

R E A D I N G

Dear Eros: a poem

an interview with Laura Jane Williams

Eating Alone in Paris

on ayn rand

What you need to know if you're unsure about having kids

author of Call Me By Your Name writes about the letters he's received from fans

a very cynical review of Call Me By Your Name (I've been in a mood, if you can't tell) and even though I wholeheartedly disagree with the review, the comments on the post are SO SMART (I forgot to add the link and now I CAN'T FIND THE REVIEW)

religious close-mindedness

I Travel the Open Road blogspot (it's a blog by a woman I met once last summer and she is just so beautiful and fascinating and I hope she doesn't get trackback links because her seeing this would be very embarrassing!!!)

The Myth of Traveling Light

the entire Unpacking series on Buzzfeed is high quality

Yvette Borup Andrews: a travel photographer in the early 1900s whose contributions are rarely talked about

Having an Abortion 7 Months Pregnant (my heart is BROKEN and I can't wait to go into the public health field someday and fight to make sure ALL women have safe and easy access to healthcare)

How Hostelworld is bad for owners AND customers (ALWAYS book directly when you can)

for the love of god please get a TINY bit of exercise a day

I've Wasted My Whole Life

I Want to Be Rich and I'm Not Sorry (mood)

a long article that sums up why I hate that "Girl, Wash Your Face" book

W A T C H I N G  &  L I S T E N I N G

Q U O T E

"Height is just a length." - Pang

Thursday, May 23, 2019

Today is Thursday


Osan

I haven't posted in forever because I am constantly thinking about The Reader. The Reader is a person looking at my blog, maybe a family member, maybe an acquaintance from college, maybe a stranger, and they are having thoughts that I cannot control. No matter how many sentences I type, I cannot control what they think of me. So I draft countless upon countless of blog posts in my head but never bang them out on my Chromebook, since this faceless Reader paralyzes me. 

If there's one thing I want in life it is to be prolific. I want to live in many places and hike many mountains and read many books and learn many languages (I'll be happy with just ONE other language) and make as many people laugh as possible. 

I also want to be that bitch that blogs a lot. I want to be that bitch who curses on her private blog without worrying if her grandma will be disappointed if she ever reads it. I'm not that bitch yet, but I'm working on it. 

I'm learning Korean and even though my progress feels so painfully slow I know I'm making more progress than I realize. I can understand at least SOME bits of every conversation I hear at work. I can understand the simple sentences my kids say in class when they are confused. My pronunciation isn't good but I'm trying. Every day my desk buddy asks me "What day is it?" (in Korean, of course). Today I said, "Today is Thursday."

Three people clapped for me. Today IS Thursday. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Laughter in Busan



My biggest concern whenever I travel alone is "will I make friends?" (Of course, the biggest concern is "will I get kidnapped or murdered?" but as a female I worry about that wherever I am.)

Being alone while backpacking versus being alone as an expat living in a new country are very different scenarios.  If I don't meet anyone fun or vibe with whatever town I'm in while backpacking, I can easily move on. Move onto the next country, next town, next hostel, knowing that someone or something great is just around the corner. Just when you think the loneliness is about to eat you alive, you end up meeting someone great.

Thankfully, I made tight friends pretty quickly. We went to Busan on our 2nd weekend living here (it's only a 1.5 hour bus ride form Jinju!) and I swear we did not stop laughing the entire time.

(also, there's a sculpture out on the water, there isn't a man coming out of my head)




Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Yellow Flowers



I'm indoors from 8:30am to 4:30pm, Monday through Friday. My only outside interaction is when I walk to and from the cafeteria and what a lovely walk it is.

I get to see these beautiful yellow babies every single day!!

Saturday, March 2, 2019

I'm Living in Jinju, South Korea!


crooked pic of a temple ceiling

It's official, I live here now! Wow wow wow wow wow wow.

I was placed in Jinju, in the Gyeongnam province, which everyone told me was really rural but is actually more populous that my state's capital. I think my definition of rural and Korean's definition of rural is very, very different. Of course, this place is tiny compared to Seoul, but ANY PLACE will lose in that comparison. I think Jinju is the perfect size for me. A good public transport system, fairly bike friendly, and once you get to your intended side of town (there are 4 distinct parts of the city, from what I've gathered so far) it's easily walkable.

I arrived here on Tuesday and start work tomorrow (!!!!!!) but will be living in a weird foreigner limbo for the next 3 weeks. I can't really do ANYTHING (get a functional bank account, buy a phone plan, etc.) until I get my Alien Registration Card (ARC) so I'm basically boopin' around town on my bike with no money and no data. Thankfully Jinju is pretty easy to navigate. As long as I can find the river that runs through town then I can find my way home.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

"home for 3 months" playlist



I like to make playlists for each period of my life, usually defined by a location or an extended event.  I created a new playlist for each semester of college and the summers in between academic years. I shared a Glasgow playlist, inspired by my semester there. I have new playlists for each trip: one named "europe // 2017", another "europe // 2018", and have already made one titled "S. K O R E A", ready to be filled with what's yet to come.

For the past 3 months, I've been in a strange in-between period, (graduated from college, post-Europe trip, working part-time in my hometown, jumping through so many hoops so I can actually LIVE abroad and not just slum it in hostels), so I needed a playlist to reflect that.

Also, it's taking me too long to figure out how to embed a nice looking playlist (I need to PACK for KOREA, OKAY?), so I'm just going to post a link and just list the songs. We make do.



happier / marshmello & bastille

make it sweet / old dominion

bad at love / old dominion (cover...better than the original, imo)

joan of arc / little mix

going going gome / maddie poppe

born to love you / lanco

burning man / dierks bentley & brothers osborne

thank u, next / ariana grande

be my mistake / the 1975

forget you not / little mix

because the night / patti smith

the cure (stripped) / little mix

money / cardi b

sad bitch / dillatante

boys / lizzo

baby / bishop briggs

weekend / death team

high hopes / panic! at the disco

hope is a dangerous thing for a girl like me to have / lana del rey

back to life (80s remix) / hailee steinfeld & aris archontis

let's go / matt and kim

wasabi / little mix

here you come again / dolly parton

drip / cardi b & migos

almost (sweet music) / hozier

golden wings / gabriel garzon-montano

moderation / florence + the machine

modern art / summy

bloodline / ariana grande 


Wow, this really is a good playlist. I have great taste. 

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Technically, I'm Moving to Korea



Technically, I'm moving to South Korea next week. I have my fancy E2 visa in my passport (allowing me to work legally hell yeah), my contract is signed, and my bags are 30% packed.

But emotionally and mentally, I'm not going anywhere.

Applying to teach English in Korea is a LONG process with a lot of waiting and maybes, so for the entire three months I've been home I prepared myself to be disappointed. With so many hoops to jump through and so many variables, I knew I should prepare myself for Plan B. I put off learning the Korean language past the alphabet, knowing that it would hurt to put in hours of study only to be told that I wouldn't end up needing it after all. I told all my friends and family "maybe" and "hopefully".

"You're going to Korea next month, right?" I'd hear at least 10 times a week.

"Hopefully!" I replied with a big smile. "If all of the paperwork works out!"

And because I didn't want to deal with the crushing blow of rejection, I wouldn't allow myself to feel excited.

But now the tickets are bought and last minute preparations are being made and I'm actually leaving. I'm flying to San Francisco on Thursday (Valentine's Day!) to visit my college roommate for a few days then flying directly to Seoul on the 17th. This is it, I'm going!

Yet for some reason, it still doesn't feel like I'm leaving. I'm still half expecting the carpet to be pulled out from under me any moment now. I won't believe it, believe the fact that I'm actually moving to the other side of the world for a whole year, until I'm on that flight to Seoul.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Nope, No Travel Plans for You

October, London, sunset

I love reading everyone's travel plans and goals for 2019, and usually, I'd want to share my own.

But the truth of the matter is that I'm frickin frackin terrified.

I've applied to a teaching English program in an Asian country (will give all the specifics when/if everything works out) and I've been accepted, but I haven't had an update since.

The program made a post saying that they're a little slower releasing placements this year and to be patient, but I am still! so! scared!

The facebook group is filled with people excitedly posting their placements and connecting with others in their region. A poster on Reddit said that their recruiter told them not to send in their documents for this term because all of the applications currently in their office are more than enough for this intake.

My application is one of the many sitting in that office. Will it be one of the lucky that get processed in time, or will I receive an email in a few days saying, "Sorry, all our spots are filled, try again in the fall"?

Will I be booking a flight to leave in mid-February, or will I have to tell everyone I know about a "change of plans" and be stressed about what the hell I'm supposed to do next?

What the hell am I supposed to do next?

I know there's no point, in worrying, but man am I worried.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Every Book I Read in 2018: Part 2


Let's finish this list! It's already 2019, baby! Here are the rest of the books I read in 2018. I read SEVENTY (70!) in total, which is the most I've ever read in a year. Make sure you follow me on Goodreads to see what I read this year!

36. The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth
Read in Sarande, Albania. Had this on my Kindle for years but was saving it for when I ran out of physical books to read which was easy to do since ALL of the books on hostel shelves were in German. The writing is nothing to write home about (lol) and it could've easily been shorter. I'm sure the movie is better.

37. The Heart Goes Last by Margaret Atwood
Read in Greece. This is the third Atwood book I've tried to read but the only one I've actually succeeded in reading. It was alright.

38. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
The only book in English at the last hostel on my last stop in Greece. Finished on the plane going home. Read it once in high school but also enjoyed it this time!

39. Upstream by Mary Oliver
Read in my bedroom. My first book back on American soil! It's been on my to-read list for a while so I was excited to read it. There are some really good passages but Oliver might be too smart for me.

40. The Witch Elm by Tana French
I gasped when I saw this on the shelf at the library. French is one of my favorite authors and this is her first standalone book. Compared to her other books it wasn't her best, but not-her-best is still better than most people's greatest.

41. Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan
Read at my aunt's beach house. Read for bookclub. I probably wouldn't have finished this book if it wasn't a bookclub pick. It just...wasn't good. Would be more bearable as an audiobook.

42. Buffering by Hannah Hart
Also read at my aunt's beach house (I had nothing to do there but read). I'm not big into YouTube but I enjoy memoirs and this one blew my socks off. Hannah has been through A LOT and discusses the complexity of love and family.

43. Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown [AUDIOBOOK]
Listened to in my car. Not good. Hard pass.

44. The Inexplicable Logic of My Life by Benjamin Alire Saenz
Read on my couch. I loved Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe but this was a big disappointment compared to that one.

45. My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh
Read on my couch. Definitely wasn't what I thought it would be but I still loved it. I LOVE self-absorbed, unreliable female narrators.

46. Lethal White by J. K. Rowling
Read at my grandma's house. This is the fourth book in her Cormoran Strike series and wasn't the best. I'm looking forward to the next one since I have a feeling it will be better.

47. The Power by Naomi Alderman
Read half on my friend's couch in the Scottish highlands, finished it at home. Loved this book and would be a great one for kids to read in high school.

48. Talking as Fast as I Can by Lauren Graham [AUDIOBOOK]
Listened to in my car. Covers a bit of Gilmore Girls and a bit of the rest of her life. Listening to this feels like a big sister giving life advice. Some bits could've been cut out but I mostly enjoyed it.

49. Paper Girls vol. 1 by Brian K. Vaughan
Read at my aunt's. I've never read a comic before and I think I need to read a few before my brain gets adjusted to the rhythm of them, but this was good!

50. They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera
Read on my aunt's front porch. Very disappointing. I really wanted to like it but the writing has no pizzazz.

51. Carve the Mark by Veronica Roth
Read in my room. It was alright! Not as good as Divergent but one of the better YA books I've read. I've heard the sequel is better so I'll read that.

52. Heartburn by Nora Ephron
Read in my childhood bedroom. I read this in one day, it's that good (and that short). No one can write like Ephron. She is so smart and so funny and I'm so sad she's gone.

53. Georgia Peaches and Other Forbidden Fruit by Jaye Robin Brown
This is about a lesbian pastor daughter's in Georgia and I was so excited to read it and yet I was so disappointed! The writing was bland and it just felt like a lot of wish-fulfillment and didn't really reflect evangelical Christian culture at all.

54. Conversations with Friends by Sally Rooney
A breath of fresh air after a lackluster book. There are no quotation marks which annoys me when Cormac McCarthy does it but is smart when done by Rooney. This book is weird and a little fucked up and none of the characters are perfect and I LOVED it. Can't wait to read more by Rooney.

55. The Diviners by Libba Bray [AUDIOBOOK]
My first loan using the Libby app, which I highly recommend! Your library probably has it, or something similar! The narrator, January LaVoy, is very talented and can do lots of different voices. Can't wait to listen to the other books in this series.

56. The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue Mackenzi Lee
Gay and fun and cute! Definitely want to read the sequel in 2019.

57. An American Marriage by Tayari Jones
I wish I loved this as much as everyone else does.

58. I'll Be Gone in the Dark by Michelle McNamara [AUDIOBOOK]
Brilliant and chilling to listen to. Usually, I would never want to re-listen to an audiobook but this one was so good.

59. We Are Okay by Nina LaCour
Probably would've like this more if I read it in high school. Decent and quick.

60. Truth and Beauty by Ann Patchett [AUDIOBOOK]
I loved Commonwealth by Patchett and she narrates this one. It was alright! And probably very therapeutic for her to write.

61. Just Kids by Patti Smith
I love this and her! M Train is next on my list. She sings a song called "Because the Night" written by Bruce Springsteen and it's an honest to goodness bop.

62. By Nightfall by Michael Cunningham [AUDIOBOOK]
Read by Hugh Dancy who does a HORRIBLE Virginian accent but I loved every second of this book. Over the top introspective which is right up my alley.

63. How to Be a Person in the World by Heather Havrilesky
Alright! Better to read slowly over time. Or just read Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed.

64. Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman
During all the hype of this book and no ONE EVER BOTHERED TO MENTION THAT IT'S SET IN GLASGOW!!! Loved this book so much and will definitely read again in the future. It's just so soft and kind and honestly a great guide on how to be an adult???

65. The Perfect Nanny by Leila Slimani
Beautiful and creepy and artsy and probably even better in the original French! Must learn French!

66. We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie [AUDIOBOOK]
Always been meaning to read this. A great starter to feminism and something that every gender should read (would be a great high school or middle school read).

67. Women & Money by Suze Orman [AUDIOBOOK]
Trying to up my financial literacy. This book was alright. It's definitely aimed at a middle-aged woman freshly out of a divorce who doesn't even know the passwords to her bank accounts. Suze is brutally honest and I respect her for that.

68. Gmorning, Gnight! by Lin-Manuel Miranda
Cute and quick and definitely want to buy for my nightstand so I can annotate it/read it whenever I need a pick me up.

69. On Tyranny by Timothy Snyder [AUDIOBOOK]
Not as much fearmongering as I thought there would be. This reads like a to-do list to be a good citizen. Take this book with a grain of salt and a pinch of optimism.

70. Talking to Women by Nell Dunn
Started reading in Sweden when I borrowed Poppy's copy and was able to buy my own when I was unexpectedly stranded in London for a few days, so yay, silver lining! It's a transcript of Dunn's conversations with her friends in 60's London and it's mindboggling how so much and so little has changed about women's lives since.

My goal for 2019 is to read at least 50 books! Let's do this!