Writing is Hard

Writing is hard.

I never know how to begin or end. Most times I don't even know what to put in the middle. I just have a feeling or a vibe that I try to get across with black marks on a computer screen and then out in the world for six people to read (I have no idea who you people are, all I know is that I consistently get a minimum of 6 views on whatever I post here). It's hard to get yourself from A to B when A and B are just hazy, abstract ideas and not actually defined locations on a map.

It's easy for me to be confident when others are anxious, but the second I sit at a computer and I'm truly alone with my own brain and own words and no one to entertain, I have no idea what to do with myself.

I wrote back in August that I don't think I'm a writer. Then I proceeded to write 50,004 words of a novel in November for NaNoWriMo. It's almost as if I need to lie to myself then prove myself wrong, trick myself into doing things that seem hard.

I know I need to get words down and send them out into the world, but I always get stuck at how. How do I summon the words, the purpose, the meaning. I read so many words by great writers that always leave me thinking: how the heck am I supposed to live up to that? It's time to give up, throw in the shovel and pick up the plow, start a vegetable garden. I really like cauliflower and squash. Produce something nourishing and useful for me and others.

I guess I'm looking for a calling, for someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do with my life. Maybe if I keep writing, I will eventually be able to tell myself.

I guess the only way out really is through. It be that way sometimes.

attempting #NaNoWriMo for the millionth time

NaNoWriMo is the easy way of saying "National Novel Writing Month". The goal is to write 50,000 words of a brand new story during the month of November, about 1,667 words a day. The general consensus is that at 50,000 words a book turns from a novella into a novel, even though most traditionally published fiction books hover around 80,000 words. 

I've attempted NaNoWriMo every year for the past nine years (since freshman year of high school!) with varying degrees of commitment and a 100% failure rate. 

In 2011, I wrote 20k words of a horrible cheesy Prince/commoner romance, obviously influenced by the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. 

In 2016, I wrote 30k words of a murder mystery campus novel set in Scotland (a place I wouldn't even visit until the year after). My pace started off strong but the post-election depression hit me HARD and I lost all interest in life aside from Parks & Rec reruns. 

Last year, in 2018, I gave up after 6,000 words. 

I never expected to actually complete NaNoWriMo. It was always one of those lofty goals that sounds nice to achieve but I didn't think I had the discipline or talent.

But guess fucking what? I actually did it this year. The first 30k flew by joyfully. I ended each day feeling satisfied and proud of myself. But my motivation jumped off a cliff once I hit word #30,001. 

I dragged myself through the last 20k, bitching and moaning the entire way. 

There are plenty of "shortcuts" people take to stretch out their word count, but I didn't want to write complete shit knowing I'd have to just edit it later. I can honestly say that I'm proud of all 50,004 words. They need HEAVY editing, but I'm glad I finally have something to edit. 

I Don't Think I'm a Writer

sunrise over Tongyeong, South Korea

I don't think I'm a writer. "Writer" has always been a part of my identity ever since I was a kid. I've planned countless novels and started writing a few, but have never finished a first draft. I've participated in two NaNoWriMo's (National Novel Writing Month) but didn't complete either. The furthest I got was 30k words on my second try. No, wait. I think I got to the 25 days mark my junior year of high school but gave up for some reason. I can't even remember but that's not the point.

The point is that I don't think I'm a writer. I'm definitely not a poet. I participated in National Poetry Writing Month in April and got about two weeks in before forgetting to continue. My poems are complete shit (this isn't me being self-deprecating; poetry is a SKILL that takes a lot of study and practice) but it was cathartic and it felt good producing words even when I knew they'd be shit. Not caring felt good.

I say I'm not a writer because I don't write often. Now there is a debate on whether you're a writer or not based on how often you actually write but we're not getting into that right now.  I actually really like the last two posts I've posted on here (which I won't link to because I'm L A Z Y!) and I do see myself improving as the years go by, which I'm proud of considering how rarely I actually produce anything.

But that's the thing. Writers produce. But I think I'm still in my consuming stage of life. Which is GOOD. I think our twenties especially are supposed to be about consuming. To not assume that I know anything about the world. To soak up and absorb every detail and experience I can. Who has the TIME to write, to retreat into my skull and pull out the bits that actually make sense, when I have so much living to do. So many people to talk to. So many places to see. So many books to read. God! There are so many books I want to read! (It saddens me to think that the human life span is not long enough to read all the books on my Goodreads to-read list.)

So I don't think I'm a writer, not yet anyway. I have a feeling I will be someday though, so I'm going to spend my time collecting as much material for her as I can. I hope she's more capable of making sense of all the complexities of human life than I am because man is it hard.

Godspeed, Future Writer Victoria, I wish you the best. Now it's time for me to go out and give you something to write about.

What I Learned From NaNoWriMo16

I'm going to share with you a lot of hard truths.  Things I needed to realize, and everything feels so much clearer now that I know.

Do you ever say a statement and it just feels right? It's the first time you've ever vocalized that statement, you never even thought about it before.  It feels like a content sigh, a warm hug, it's your truth.  It's always been a part of you, you've just never gave it words.

The most recent revelation I've had was when I was sitting in the kitchen floor of my aunt's house, trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  I was a Neuroscience major, which I loved, but I felt stuck going down a path that only ended in science.  Setting myself up for a life of being a researcher or a technician, and while those are good jobs, my limited prospects scared me.  I do not like feeling trapped.

I sat on that carpet in front of their refrigerator, googling my school's course catalog, and said to myself: "I am an English major."

And I immediately replied to myself, my inner Kermit speaking, said, "Well duh Victoria, of course you're an English major."  It was a truth universally acknowledged, as Austen puts it.

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Here is my truth, the truth that I could only realize after giving NaNoWriMo an honest try:

I don't want to be a writer.

Or, to put it more accurately, I don't want to be a fiction writer.  At least not right now, not at this time in my life.

Without fail, every time I sat down at my laptop to write for NaNoWriMo, I would think to myself, "Ugh, I wish I was reading right now".  Every. Single. Time.

I gave up on this year's NaNoWriMo, after averaging about 2,000 words a day, over Thanksgiving break.  I picked up The Secret Place by Tana French and felt so content and happy.

Sure, maybe it was the pace I was writing at that of course would lead to burnout.  I liked my story, I liked my characters, I loved the message I wanted to weave through the text.  And I realized that hey, I'm not actually a horrible writer.  Many times I could stop and chuckle at what I just wrote, and then send the quote to my friend Amber to see if it was actually a good line or not.

I just don't want to create my own fictional story.  Why would I do that when I could be reading the beautifully plotted and character developed worlds of other writers?

Because of NaNoWriMo16, I've decided that I should focus more on creative nonfiction. Life writing. Blog writing.  That is obviously what I'm drawn to at the moment.

So, for now, I've given up on fiction writing.  My energy can be better used in other areas.  Maybe one day a story will grab a hold of me that I can't let go, but for right now I need to write my own story.

Did you learn anything from NaNoWriMo? Have you realized some obvious truths about yourself this year?

Photo by Florian Klauer on Unsplash